i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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