Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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