got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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