I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
