did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
