I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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