you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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