you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
