I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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