Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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