So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
