I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
