When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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