I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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