Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
