Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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