His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
