i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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