i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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