a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
