We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
