Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
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i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
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My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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