i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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