Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
