My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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