and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
