no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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