I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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