We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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