remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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