when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize