Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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