I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
