i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
