even my farts smell like vagina
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
