Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.