How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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