My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
