So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
