I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
