I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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