Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
