Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
