It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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