My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
