I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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