You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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