Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
