i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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