had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
