Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
