FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
