Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
