I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Randomize
