Betty ford says i'm here all night
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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