the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
