70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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