Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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