They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
